Where Does It End? Where Do You Begin?

This video speaks for itself. Heartfelt. I had to share.

What comes next?

I have been thinking about the concept of “ending” – how we grieve the things we lose. We grieve so many different types of endings in our lives. The end of an educational milestone, the end of a friendship/relationship, the end of a TV show/Movie/Book series, the end of a job, and the end of a life. All of these life milestones change us somehow. We grow up, meet new friends, establish relationships, define our life goals, gain experience, and become inspired. We are constantly taking those cherished moments and moving forward with them. Every loss becomes a memory. Every memory becomes a safe haven in our hearts and minds.

But the truth is, loss hurts. It takes time to come to a place of peace and acceptance. We experience a rollercoaster of emotions before we truly comprehend the importance of that thing, person, or moment we have lost. It takes an incredible amount of strength to move forward without constantly grieving the past.

The concept and the feelings associated with grief…. Well, to be honest, I never fully understood the power of loss until recently. I cried when I left high school, university, college, my summer job, and my lost friendships / relationships… I guess I always had the comfort of the future, of a new beginning. While I grieved the past, I became excited for the future. I was inspired and ready to move forward.

But the loss of a life? That was new to me. Within the last two years, I have lost two out of the three people who I considered my direct family. I even created this photo about 7 years ago to illustrate the three people who held the most meaning in my life. The loss of my grandmother two years ago (almost to this day) hit me hard. She was my hero, my inspiration. There was goodness in her that was so genuine. Coming to a place of acceptance came naturally as she lived a full life (95 years!), she was ready to die, and I only had good memories of her.  It still hurts me, knowing that I’ll never hear her voice again, see her face, give her a hug, or play a game of euchre with her, but she held such a special place in my heart, and she always will. It took time, but I felt like the grieving process made sense. I was sad, I missed her constantly, I regretted the moments I missed with her when I was away at school, but I was able to look forward while I cherished my time with her.

Now, I fast forward to almost 5 months ago – the day my dad died. I almost feel like I am unprepared to truly write about this grief because I am not yet at a place of acceptance. I am still in a place of incredible pain. I can’t offer words of wisdom. I can’t promise that there is light at the end of the tunnel (although I am told there is). Every loss is grieved differently. I can talk about the theories behind handling the loss a parent, but we grieve based on our experiences. The process is different for all of us. Although there are many similarities in a loss, the struggle that we go through, the aspects of the loss that bother us/challenge us are different.

I will say that it’s not a linear process. I didn’t start at the bottom when he died and have been getting better as the days go by. For me, I was actually stronger and more determined to move forward the first month or two after his death. I guess the shock got me through the summer. I cried daily, but I had hope that every day I would get a little bit stronger and I’d come to accept the reality. It’d be like in the movies or TV shows when the story arc ended and it no longer seemed to bother the character.

I was completely wrong…

The shock finally wore off and reality set in when I was on vacation – the one magical week that was supposed to cure all of my sadness. I was in a store, and I saw a shot glass with his name on it. And then I slowly began to realize that I wasn’t going to buy him a gift. I wasn’t going to go home to him. And that’s when a pain that I didn’t know existed hit me. My dad was dead, and I was never going to see him again. I wasn’t going to go home and tell him all about my vacation. This trip that was supposed to be the happiest week of the summer lost its spark. I found a place to cry alone as I watched a slideshow I made of him for his wake. I cried myself to sleep for a couple of nights. It was hard to be away from home, but the idea of going back was even worse.

And now I feel like Haley from One Tree Hill before she jumped in the pool after losing her mom – just wanting to feel something. There’s an emptiness that comes with loss. Even flying to Wilmington and experiencing an Evening with One Tree Hill (my safer version of jumping in the pool) was a fleeting moment of happiness.

My life has changed. I have changed. The weight on my heart is scary, but I don’t know how to move forward. It’s put me on one of the most arduous journeys of my adult life thus far.

My advice to anyone who is reading this… Grief is not a linear process. One day you’ll feel like the old you ready to tackle the day and the next you’ll feel broken and scared. Sometimes you’ll feel all of that in the span of 5 minutes. The emotions are so unpredictable – at least they have been for me. The smallest things can set me off. Gosh, just today a telemarketer called my house for the second time this week asking for my dad. It’s the second time I told this person my dad died. My reaction: I put on that slideshow I made and sobbed into my pillow.

And here’s something no one ever warned me about – talking about the person you’ve lost in the past tense. The memories are uncontrollable, and you will want to talk about the person you lost. The first time I talked about my dad in the past tense was a couple of weeks after he died at a brand workshop for work. It came out without even a little bit of thought and as soon as I realized it, I had to pretend like it never happened so that I didn’t fall apart in a room filled with coworkers and clients.

Grief is a funny and unpredictable process that completely changes us. It shakes up our world, and it tests us in ways we’d never expect. Like those other milestones in my life, I hope to grow from this cherishing the memories I have. I hope that I’ll be able to become a stronger person as I come out of this dark place and see the light again.

And I know a LARGE part of getting me to see that light is being a part of this movement, being a love warrior, and working with all of you to make a positive change in the world. My commitment to this campaign came a year after my grandmother’s death, and I used her inheritance money for the mention campaign last year. Her, along with Bethany Joy, were my inspirations for working so hard on this. I hope I can, in one year, find the strength to do something equally special inspired by the life of my dad.

I know this is not the most inspiring life journey, but it’s a truthful one. Maybe I’ll update you all in a year from now when I finally see the light, but having an understanding for the darkness and knowing that the pain that comes with loss is natural helps to fuel the healing process.

Mother/Daughter Relationship

Before I publish this I want to apologize for the jumbled, scattered thoughts of this article. I was seething mad, very heartbroken; and just generally wanted to get points across on the subject.

The mother/daughter relationship has been classified as many things: good and bad, but in the end, it is known deep down that your mother protects you, loves you, and would do anything for you. So what happens when the one person you trust at birth displaces that trust?

I just read an article on just that recently that did just that. The mother is accused of trying to sell her daughter’s virginity and other sexual acts to men for at least $10,000. As a “bonus” the mother sent pictures to interested men of her daughter scantily clad. I have read a few of these type of situations like this: a mother tries to sell her young child on e-bay to men for sex, another on craigslist, another on a website. These articles, these women, these mother’s make me cry and again want to scoop up these children and bring them to safety. Teach them how love is supposed to be, and that there mother was wrong.

When these mother’s are brought to “justice” my heart soars for these children, but although they may be “vindicated” are they truly? I want this to stop, I want mother’s to be the best mother’s they can be – strive to be the best.

I am so honored to be a part of Love146, to see all they do, all they strive to be. I love how they have a Round Home for the victims to help them in various ways. My wish is there were round homes everywhere, but most importantly is one day; these round homes do not exist – because they will not be a need. I know this is a tall-ordered wish, but I cannot help it.

Heavy heart on Spirit Day

I woke up this morning to a heartbreaking story. 15 year old, Jamie Hubley, from my hometown of Ottawa, Ontario committed suicide on Saturday. He was an openly gay youth who battled depression due to being bullied for being open about his sexuality. I immediately thought back to Bethany Joy Galeotti's amazing blog post, American Gossip Epidemic, and I want to take this declaration a step further and talk about the "Bullying Epidemic".

Many of you reading this have probably been bullied at one time in your life. I was bullied as a young girl struggling with her weight. I was called "thunder" and "earthquake". It got to the point where I feared walking to the store because of the constant name-calling. At the time, I felt shame. I was mad at myself to not fitting into what everyone "deemed" normal. I didn't blame the bullies. I was never angry at them. I turned that anger towards myself.

The truth is that it wasn't my fault. I did not deserve the harsh words. It was not Jamie Hubley's fault. It was not Tyler Clementi's fault. It was NOT YOUR FAULT. No one deserves to be bullied. NO ONE! And I am getting tired of the fact that it not only exists but also seems to be growing and adapting to today's technology.

How many of these heartbreaking stories is it going to take until bullying is eliminated? When are the "bullies" going to realize that their words are KILLING people?! When are we going to stop feeling the need to "other" people? I wish polarizing words like "popularity", "in crowd", "the cool kids" didn't exist. In order to validate that status, you need to have a group of people who don't fit the rules of "coolness". People need to fight to make sure that they feel important by taking that importance away from others. It's sickening!

WE ARE ALL HUMAN! We are all an equally important life on this earth! It's time we be more accepting of EVERYONE! It's time we stop judging others and start understanding them. It's time to learn how to RESPECT each other. We need to go beyond "tolerating" to "embracing" each others' differences.

If you're being bullied right now, please don't blame yourself. Don't let that pain take your life away. You are WORTH being here. You are just as important as those who have made you feel subhuman. If anything, you should feel sorry for them. They obviously have anger and hate in their hearts and have directed it upon someone so innocent. You are amazing, and I hope you tell yourself that every day.

If you're struggling, don't be afraid to seek help. There are local helplines, group sessions, and so many online resources that are created to help you. If I had known about these resources, maybe my self esteem wouldn't be so broken right now. There's a strength in realizing you are in pain, and by meeting others with similar experiences/feelings, you won't feel so alone.

We are all in this together!

xo Stephanie

COSTA RICA

Costa Rica: surfing, fishing, jet skiing, sightseeing, and other family outings. That was the summary of my trip in a nutshell. It was amazing and fun, and of course gorgeous. Even the rickety run down looking towns looked historic and rustically beautiful. The food was cheap and delicious. It sounds amazing, and it was. Yet, the entire time I had a few things on my mind that I wanted to ask everyone but truly was afraid of the answer: it had to do with trafficking of humans (mainly children). The first thing I saw when I landed in the city of San Jose, was signs, well one giant sign caught my eye that said “Having sex with someone under 18 will not be tolerated.” I thought TOLERATED, it should punishable and harsher words should be put in its place. My wish was not at all, but if it had to be, then harsher the better. I was happy to find out from the people I did ask though that there is laws put in place to prohibit and punish those who are caught. Was told that drinking and driving was a bigger jail sentence then what those who are caught trafficking (7 years for DUI). Sadly as well they said that tourism is way of life for Costa Rica, with poverty of 20% of the population so some are more in need of US money (the exchange rate is 510.88 CRC = $1.00 USD). This is where trafficking comes in because ‘people travel a long way to find the pimps, and they make really good money.’ I was appalled. People are awful. This needs to stop now.

Knowing Love146 and other organizations like it are helping stop it, makes me even more grateful then I already was to be apart of their wonderful and moving organizations. My hope is and has been for awhile now (once I learned about it) to put an end for human trafficking (among other things). It becomes different reading/seeing it first hand (or gaining more knowledge by going to these places or conferences). http://www.endhumantrafficking.org/about-us/prevention-projects Together let us end and restore those who have been trafficked. One person can make a difference!

3 reasons Tread on Trafficking was so special to me...

I have wanted to write a post about my Tread on Trafficking journey for a while, but I kept getting distracted by work/life. As I reflect on the last two months, there are three reasons why these past 8 weeks will stay with me forever:

1. I treaded for 94 miles. Was this my goal? No, but sometimes it's about the journey and not the destination.  I work about an hour from home, so I spent weeks waking up at 6am, doing my daily work-out, and then going to work. I'd get home at 7pm, eat dinner, and then I'd walk for 2-3 miles in the evening. I felt like I was achieving something so special by pushing myself like this.... It was a really proud moment for me (and a routine I hope I will return to soon). As a girl who has struggled with my weight since I was a young child, I was so proud that I was finally making that change.

2. I convinced 11 people to support me as I treaded and raised $310.00! I was so scared to share this endeavor with my friends and family because I am not fit. I don't run for causes . . . but they did support me! I was SO SO thankful for that. I am also SO SO confident that the money donated is going to a wonderful organization who is doing something AMAZING and INSPIRING to prevent sex trafficking and to rehabilitate the survivors of this horrific industry.

3. As I revealed in my last blog post, my dad died on June 11th. It has basically changed my whole world, and it's left me completely heartbroken. But you know what's so special? The last thing he supported me doing was Treading on Trafficking. He even sponsored me... I sometimes look at my sponsors just to see his name scroll down the list. It comforts me to know just how much he supported me as I tried to spread awareness on the reality of human trafficking. He supported my fitness goals... and he was proud of what I had been doing. That will stay with me forever, and what better final project for him to support?

I wish I could write and say that it has been a great 8 weeks for me because that would be a lie, but I know that when the pain starts to dissipate, I'll be able to look back on these last 8 weeks, and I'll find comfort that it was my dad's last memory of me - a girl who was FINALLY fighting to change her life.

I hope I can find the strength to be that girl again....

Thanks for reading,
Steph

What was so special about your Tread on Trafficking journey? Please share in comments! 

In honour of my father...

I want to preface this post by saying that I am not writing this for your condolences or pity. I am writing this to find a strength and determination that I have recently lost..

Today is Father's Day....

Great...

I lost my father a week go. He died suddenly in our living room, and I felt blindsided by how quick it was. I never got to say what I wished to say. My last memory of him is quite negative. He hadn't been well. His heart and lungs were weak, and he seemed to think he was dying (I didn't believe him). He became self destructive - drinking all day. He became unrecognizable from the father I had grown up with. But he wanted to change.. for me. He loved me. And above all else, that matters the most. The past year of stressful moment after stressful moment no longer matters. It's just a small stain on a perfect white shirt. Stronger than the frustration is love... and I don't think he knew just how much I did love him. How much I always will.

I haven't treaded on trafficking this week. I have eaten every comfort food imaginable. I have stopped taking care of myself as I try to accept one of life's greatest tragedies. And worst of all? Today is Father's Day... It's f*cking Father's Day. And I just said goodbye to mine.

So as I struggle to accept his absence in my life, I want to celebrate his life tomorrow. He sponsored me to tread on trafficking. He supported me and was proud of the life changes that I had recently made. So tomorrow, instead of letting the pain consume me, I am going to channel this energy and do something positive. I am going to walk six miles in honour of my Father.

This experience has taught me once again how precious life is. How we only have ONE life... and to spend that life as a slave is unacceptable. Life is a gift. To take advantage and abuse one's gift is one of life's greatest crimes.

So I will walk. I will remember my father. And I will continue to fight for the children sold into sex trafficking.

Happy Father's Day everyone.

xo,
Steph